SATAN CRIES, "FOUL!"

 

        PETITIONS UNIVERSAL COURT

In an unprecedented legal move today, Satan filed grievances against God for infringement of rules governing the tactical use of minions. In his suit, Satan contends that God has changed tactics and use of his own “God-fearing adherents” to commit atrocities while reaping the profits, without any credit or soul transfer to Satan. “He’s been stealing souls under false pretenses, basically,” said Satan Chief of Staff, Adolph Hitler. “Satan is fed up and demands compensation from the highest court.”

Efforts by Satan and his strongest followers to change the tide of corruption and murder by people claiming allegiance to God have apparently failed. “He’s using our tactics! How do you combat evil with evil?” Hitler moans.

Satan’s Secretary of State, Jim Jones, former leader of the Peoples Temple Agricultural Project. “Look, I used a similar tactic when I was on Earth. I lured people to me in the name of that fucker, God and then helped them kill themselves, but that’s not the same thing.”

 

Why now, though? Throughout the history of mankind, man’s inhumanity to man was often generated by religion or dictatorial leaders claiming divine guidance.

“Not the same scale,” says Hitler. “Sure, I had the Catholic Pope’s blessing when I murdered those fucking Jews, and yeah, I claimed God as my benefactor. But, that’s all pennies compared to the megabucks atrocities occurring now.”

When asked what was happening now that had changed the status quo and upset Satan enough to take legal action, Hitler was straight to the point. “Look, you’ve got men and women in the US Congress that claim to be devout followers of God passing laws based upon His best-selling novel…a work of pure fiction, for Satan’s sake! Religious leaders, while claiming to do otherwise, are fomenting their followers against each other.

“The global pharmaceutical industry is killing people by the millions with their lies and cover-ups. Can you believe that they are injecting new diseases in third world countries in order to reap the profits selling their “cures” to those who can afford it?

“There are corporate CEO’s and bankers out there wreaking havoc with peoples’ lives, driving them into debt, poverty, and finally, crime. The military industrial complex is instigating random wars over Earth’s resources, but the real reason is simply to sell more weapons; the oil industry doesn’t care, they’re all under one hat anyway. And these are not OUR people! Most of the leaders in all of these categories claim to be Christian, Muslim, or Jewish...God's People!"

 

Prior to storming off in disgust, Hitler added, “Bottom line is this. God is cheating and illegally increasing his profits in souls. Just because HE has become a source of evil in the world, we can’t follow his underhanded tactics and switch to being good, now can we? No, legal action is our only remaining recourse.”

As of this report, neither God nor anyone from his staff was available for comment.